Sidonia Chronicles: Rebel Part II….The Angry Punch

Sidonia Chronicles: Rebel Part II….The Angry Punch

Dr. Allana Da Graca

I woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat. The memories are so brutal I have no place to put them.  I am tired of having to keep everything on the inside as though nothing is wrong.  Where is justice?  This is the question I have. To be rejected by your caretakers is the worse experience one could ever have.  I know you want me to keep this story clean but I cannot go into this without highlighting the deep conflict I have to hate and love myself at the present time.  When one is forgotten by parents there is no point to life.  I stared in the mirror for fourteen years looking for imperfections to make my reality sensible.  I have done the prayers, had the discussions, went to the elders and spoke out my pain, but the stillness of midnight has gripped me.

Just the other day Uncle Turtle called me into the kitchen to tell me that it was time for me to get over my absentee parents.  He asked, “How many years do you think it will take to get over your issues?”  How could he ask me this question?  I noticed his phone ringing all of the time to speak to family members I had no idea about. He would mention that these people were from his clan.  Ironically, they knew nothing about me. I was a secret.

At this point I decided life did not matter and I would no longer waste my time on the senseless idea of love.  I never knew what this word meant and was tired of begging for it. I desperately thought I wanted it from the very  people I was connected to.  This was not my only problem. Uncle Turtle told me that I had to keep it together in order for teachers and students to treat me normally.  Although Uncle Turtle was in my life there were girly things he did not know how to do.  Foster mother was busy all of the time so I had to do everything myself.  I did the best I could.  If I managed to find two socks I would eagerly put these on. I did not care if one sock was red and the other was black. I coached myself often and was happy to get through the motion.  I then would throw on any jacket or shirt  that I could find of Uncle Turtle’s. I would throw on any item of clothing I could find and really did not care if the items matched or coordinated. My escape was school, but dealing with people was another obstacle.

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On the way to school my friend asked, “Why don’t you take care of yourself? You are pretty but don’t take care of yourself.”  I looked at her and wanted to tell her the secret of living in a home without a connection to the people I was with. I desperately wanted to tell her about the way I felt but knew she would react in a weird way. I just responded and said, “I don’t know.” I put my head down in shame and wanted the bus to come quickly.

In that moment of vulnerability I decided I would protect myself at all costs.  This had to be one of the worse days of school.  As I sat down to my assigned seat, I heard someone yell that I was too ugly to get a date for prom. I jumped over two seats and punched the boy who made the statement. I punched him with all of my might.  For every comment he made I decided to punch him harder. I did not realize that he was bleeding from his nose profusely.  It just felt so good letting this frustration out.  I was mesmerized in the moment.  It took five people to snap me out of my fury because I was punching him and everyone else who had harmed me.  I felt a release and a calm sensation afterwards.

This is when my reality began…….

To be continued

Dr. Allana Da Graca is an educator and artist. She is passionate about sharing fictional stories that are inspired from the lives of those she encounters.  Sidonia Chronicles is a series of short tales about an teenager trying to tell her story of survival and loss. Subscribe to the blog and leave a comment! http://www.drallanadagraca.com

Dr. Da Graca is the author of

Tomorrow Can’t Wait: Offering Persistence for A Lifetime

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